On January 1st, many Americans will be praising the merits of Saint Vomit on his holy day. This saint has been known to save partiers from certain death due to the ill effects of demon ethanol, and for leaving a token of his presence (a plastic pool of undigested food, commonly sold along with whoopee cushions).
Concelebrated with Saint Vomit’s Day is Saint Hello’s day. Yes — Hello? you say? This saint is famous for hearalding a wake up call that is stark as a glaring light and sometimes repugnant in order to remind those who imbibe of the previous night’s celebration. Observing both feasts with serious reflection is said to impart indulgences good for the entire New Year.
In the same vein, I would like to remind everyone of Saint Eee Dee’s day, celebrated on Shrove Tuesday (Mardi Gras). Known for his honorable protection of those lacking judgement on sexual matters, this saint has long been hailed by natural birth control advocates. For men and women alike, tokens of the saint’s presence are those little blue pills, balloons, colorful holy cards with the male symbol (circle with a drooping arrow protruding from it), and drawings of little amoeba-like animals with tails. Not to belittle Saint Vomit, but Saint Eee Dee has had far greater influence on demon ethanol (the demon’s name is left uncapitalized purposely). While Saint Vomit’s effects are sometimes short-lived, and surely Saint Hello’s call is clear, the latter-mentioned saint reveals a far deeper and long-lasting affect on the human psyche. A stand in opposition to moral terpitude is usually a powerful effect of veneration of this saint.
Well, all said, I do hope the public will recognize these saints more fully. There is a lot to be gained, and nothing to lose by considering their merits.